Got this message forwarded in a WhatsApp group (reproduced as is, without any attempt to edit typos or grammatical errors) :

“And then the princess found herself locked in a tower surrounded by a stinky moat with crocodiles and a huge scary dragon guarding the door,” read the mother, with her eyes wide and voice deep. Then, she made a sad face and continued softly, “So, the poor princess waited and waited for her prince to come–”
“But, why was she waiting for the prince, mumma?!” asked the little girl, impatiently.
The mother added, “To come and save her, silly.”
“But, mumma, why did she need a prince to save her?” the girl asked again.
“Uhh… hmm…” the mother was at a loss of words.
The little girl said proudly, “If it were me, instead of waiting for years and years for a prince, I would have tamed the dragon and flew out of the window. I would have rescued myself.”
She discarded the book and walked away, “This princess is stupid.”
The mother whispered with a broad smile, “I guess it is time to rewrite the fairy tales.”

#ModernFairyTales
Lets teach our daughters to b self sufficient n independent rather than waiting for a prince or a miracle to happen to them..

Among many responses along expected lines, appreciating the post for its feminist and “progressive” message, one point of view that stood out came from my uncle:

Form another angle, the helpless victim position is actually very powerful. You can attract and manipulate the potential rescuers.

He went on to explain that “by playing the role of the poor princes, she can attract the attention of princes whose weakness is rescuing“, and so “the princess is not stupid but very clever“.

I agree with my uncle on how the princess is being smart by letting the prince do the hard work for her. It would be foolish to insist to do everything by oneself, and there is nothing wrong in taking help from others who are better at certain things. The “helpless princess”, the “damsel in distress”, these are indeed powerful character blueprints that help women easily control men by manipulating their eagerness to rescue.

An event that hogged media coverage in Kerala in the last week was the star wedding of actor Dileep and actress Kavya Madhavan who are a successful on-screen pair. What irked feminists the most about this marriage was the actor’s comment about how he wanted to save his bride from dishonour by marrying her. “I wanted to marry the girl who had been made a scapegoat by being linked to me (and the problems in my family life)”, he is reported to have said. While many see it as Dileep’s sense of superiority rooted in patriarchy, letting him feel that way was the surest way the actress could get him to marry her. It is an arrangement that works both ways, and helps whoever wants to benefit from it.

If women have this useful stereotype that they can use to attract men, there is a different character mould that men can use to appeal to a weakness in women that stems from their sense of self-righteousness. If it is the lure of rescuing women in men, it is the lure of reforming men that captivates many women and attracts them to savages that they hope will be good at heart and can be reformed. Just as an adventurous and chivalrous prince has no interest in a princess who is safe in her own father’s castle, these women have little interest in men who are already civilized. They want an uncivilized brute, a savage who can be reformed by the strength of their goodness and force of their love.  Examples of this can also be seen in fairy tales, like a frog that turns into a prince on being kissed or a beast that transforms into a charming man when a woman falls in love with him.

This is the reason why the name of a typical boys’ gang will be something like “bad boyz”, why many young men cover their bodies in ugly tattoos (to give that evil look), start smoking, drinking or drugs, and even indulge in riskier, illegal activities to increase the scope for reform in them thereby improving their chances of evoking the interest of enterprising women. It does seem a little less dangerous for women to try and fit the stereotype of a helpless princess than it is for men to invest in savagery. But the women who fall for this stereotype are arguably taking a greater risk than men who marry a helpless princess.

It is not difficult to see the evolutionary advantages of these stereotypes. Women want men who are strong enough to protect them. To survive as a savage does take more guts and strength than to meekly follow the dictates of civilization. So such a man would be more likely be able to defend her against all odds. The possibility of civilizing or taming a man is also very real – having a family is enough to force most men to get settled and lead a normal life because now there is more at stake than when they had nothing to lose. Men, on the other hand, want women who look up to them for protection and are grateful for it, so that they will stay with them and be faithful. The princess in a dungeon  fits this  requirement perfectly.

So, though these stories are old, they do help us understand some common truths about what men and women would like to see in each other. These stereotypes may be old, and may even be outdated, but they will not be completely useless as long as they help us to make some sense of a very complex reality.

Related reading:

• Associative learning – the root of Stereotypes and Prejudices